Darkness

First things first, this post could be considered a little dark. But it is what it is, and that's that. So if you don't wanna finish after you start I completely understand.

So, I've known I was gonna write this since this morning at the bus stop. Which is obviously... dark. Now, I'm gonna tell you something that confuses a lot of people, I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm scared of the absence of light. Now when I'm outside things are a bit different, I'm more scared of the darkness, but it's not because I'm afraid anything is going to happen to me... okay maybe a little but I was raised on Unsolved Murder Mysteries and America's Most Wanted so you can't blame me. But being scared of the absence of light, all has to do with the past. Of the first ten years of my life, now nothing bad happened to me... in a sense I suppose for the few people I have told seem to think that how I grew up, what I grew up with, was a bad thing to happen to me.

I don't really like to talk about the first ten years of my life, not really. I'll talk about school and some funny things that have happened to me, but I usually don't talk about life. How it was. See I mentioned before that I grew up in a trailer park, but I guess that most of you would imagine that as how most people think of trailer parks. However, it wasn't like that. My family hasn't ever had much money and that's why we lived there. Though the place we lived wasn't the best place, it was in a 'ghetto' neighborhood.

You know, the types of places where drug dealers live on every block, at least one, commonly two, sometimes more. The type of places where teenagers of thirteen, and sometimes younger are having sex openly. The type of place where hearing a gunshot is only startling if it's quiet. You never really trust anyone, except for your friends. And trick-or-treating, forget going there. It wasn't uncommon to find that the candy had been tampered with, that the caramel apples were rotting from the inside out...

Moving on, I always hung out with the holder kids. I wanted to be cool, you know? And hanging out with kids four, five, six years older could sure do the trick. There were some of my friends, whom were the ones that weren't around all that often, like Felicia and Christina who would try to protect me from everything that went on. Tried to not make me see it, keep me a kid. Though as I said mostly, they weren't around much. Then there were people like Mandy. Mandy was practically my idol. I loved hanging around her, she was the best thing ever, she was so pretty and popular. I loved it when she used to dress me up and do my make-up, but she was the type of person that was only thirteen and having sex, with eighteen year olds.

And well Felicia was her best friend, one of the only people she talked to. However Felicia was only there every other weekend. So who better to turn to to talk to, then the girl who practically worshiped the ground she walked on? I learned a lot of things I probably shouldn't have from Mandy, and not just about sex.

Though nothing bad every really happened to me, because I had Mandy there to protect me, or someone. There was always someone there to protect me from the darkness, and yet I was never scared of it. Never, not until I left and there wasn't anyone to protect me from the harshness of what happened. Before, I had someone to shield me, to keep me from seeing what was really going on. To keep it like it was nothing. And yet now... it scares me more then anything. If I had to go back... I'm not sure I could.

That's what darkness represents to me. All the things that scare me most, and the worst part about it, is I can't run from it. Because just as darkness is inevitable, so is your past catching up with you.

Love from,
Amby