Poem

Today has been one of those days... and I can't even put into words how much today has hurt me in so many different ways. So I won't even try. Instead I'll simply post a poem here, one that I wrote today.

Yell, scream, shout, let it all out
Stop trying to be something you aren't
Stop imagining that your pain
Isn't the reality.

Let it all go,
For once think of yourself
Stop trying to be strong
Let the tears fall.

Let your disappointment show
Stop lying to them, to you
Don't pretend it didn't hurt
That you counted on them.

A tear for each that wasn't shed
A scream for each that wasn't heard
A yell for each not spoken
A swear for each person.

Simply let it all go now
For tomorrow will come
And tomorrow things change
You will too.

For every tear shed
For ever scream screamed
For every yell spoken
For every curse muttered

Will be wiped away
Forgotten as you feel
And it will pass in time
As it will return.

The only thing you can do
Is let it all go now
Because if you don't
You won't get the chance.

Wow that's a bit depressing... oh well.

Love from,
Amby

Clean slate

Sometimes you simply need a clean slate. A place to start new, with new people. If there is anything that moving has taught me is that it often comes at a time you least expect it to, but at a time that you need it the most. You don't always realize that you need it, sometimes you have to leave and discover new things to realize that it was exactly what you needed. Really it's just one of those things. I don't really know what caused me to write this paragraph, but it just happened. I just wrote a title and this is the product of it XD. Talking about moving, no I'm not moving, it just happened to be a random thought that passed by.

Anyway lets move unto something more important like the subject that I posted a bulletin on myspace about that read:

First of all I'd like to say that it's not really a secret. Traci knows, I know, Ashley knows, hell half the school knows that Kenny has TWO girlfriends. Traci doesn't really care. (*cough*becauseshesaloser*cough*)

"Would you care?" - Traci
"Yes." - Me
"If it were him?" - Traci
"I would have never gone out with him." - Me (XD)

Actual piece of convo we are having now XD. Anyway, I have been telling her to dump him for almost a year coming up. Really now, how can you think that my advice to her would be anything different? I mean sure now I add the and kick his arse part... but still XD

So that is my advice, dump him and find someone more worthy that isn't a player XD Maybe even take Jackie's advice :D

See she doesn't see what the big deal is, and why I can't let it go. And maybe if I actually type it out, in words, instead of saying it, she'll get it.... maybe, and she'd better because she's sitting here reading this as I type it XD. Anyway, I care so much because I know that she really cares about it but is to concerned about doing the nice thing to do what she should do. Plus, there is the fact that if she doesn't start learning to care and speak up, she may never :(. And as her best friend I feel obligated to try and protect her from things like that happening, after all I wouldn't want her to be sad, and live in denial :((.

Love from,
Amby

Acceptance

Today has just been one of those days, those days where you just sort of accept everything. Not really with this big life changing moment... but simply realizing that the world is the way that it is. That people are the way they are. It's just something that everyone accepts in their own time. That things are the way they are, and no matter how hard you try things will stay the way they are until other people decide to change them, and that is simply life.

We are all simply people. People who have a choice of what they want in life, but in reality the only thing you can choose in your life is how you live it. Because everything else is determined by other people, and you just have to let the cards fall where they will. Fighting against what will happen is a very stupid move, and it's a move that I've made plenty of times and yet now is the time that I finally accept it.

You can't control people, or their actions. You can't control the world, or it's actions. You cannot control nature, or God. All you really have to control in life is yourself and the choices you make.

I've also accepted that people will surprise you, both in positive and negative ways. Take for instance Derek, coming right up to our table and sitting down next to me at lunch. Then asking our table about our social lives and how we were. Now, as you don't know Derek it's not something that'd surprise you. However Derek made my life Hell for a year, and he's one of the most popular freshmen their are, and he came up and sat next to me...

It's one of those things about people surprising you. I was surprised by a few other people too, including my teachers. Who can be amazingly harsh at times toward their students. And my friends, who can be painfully obvious and embarrassing.

Yes I'll admit it, there are times when I wish I could disown my friends, because that is simply how it is. Mostly it's Traci and Meghan who I wish I could disown, because they always feel the need to shout and yell and overreact, loudly, to everything. It does embarrass me, also there are times when I wish I could disown Jess XD. I love Jess dearly, but sometimes she is a bit too over the top for me, or she has too many people mad at her. See Traci, Meghan and Jess all rock... but there are times... anyway I have learned to accept that's who they are and I still love them anyway XD.

Anyway I think I should be getting off upstairs, it's almost 9 and I still have some homework to do... and I think I forgot my Geometry... and my Into to Chem... well that sucks... Maybe I can do them at lunch XD.

Love from,
Amby

Don't blink

Once again today I heard this song. It's an amazing song, and it hit me today more so then it normally does. If you've never heard it it is entitled Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney. The song is so amazing, it has such truth in it and today as I listened I realized that my life is passing me by at such a quick rate. Random flashes of memory just kinda came to me while listening, clear as day.

Abigail and I hiding under my sisters bed talking about that cute guy Anthony. My first day of kindergarten when I sat at the wrong table. Merranda and I feeling felt out because we were two of the smartest second graders and we didn't get tested for LYNX. Jodi and I sitting up at 3 A.M. at Brionna's birthday. Merranda, Taylor and I crying about me leaving Kelloggsville. Heather crying because I was leaving Northview. Larry being taken away in a police car. Moving up here. Meeting Traci. The library lock-in. My first day of high school...

It's kinda hard to believe that things move so quickly. That in one moment life can change, for better or for worse. I have a couple of people who are mad at me, both online and in real life. The more I think about the song, the more I feel like the longer the fights I having going with these people is the less time I'm going to have with them. Because really, in my life there are very few people that are actually still involved that were a couple of years ago. And someday, I doubt that barley any of the people in my life now will be in it in any aspect, but a memory.

So how come I'm wasting my time being mad at people? How come I'm just letting time slip away? I'm not really sure. But really the more I think about it... the less I want to. The more I wish that I could just fix things, with everyone... including my family... it hurts to know that some things just can't be fixed. That some things are supposed to be broken...

Love from,
Amby

Barbershop Harmony

So yesterday, that's where I was all day. For 12 hours, I was with 145 other girls. I was learning two songs, which I then had to preform. In front of an audience. It was amazing. I am so happy I did that, I met some awesome people and heard an amazing quartet. Over all the day was pretty amazing, and hilarious too. I have so much to say about it, and yet so little. I just can't talk about it now, because my mind is on other things.

Am I the only one that hates it when that happens? When you want to talk about something so badly, when it you've got so much to say, but so many other thoughts on your mind that you can't seem to focus on what you wanna say? Because I truly hate that, and I hate that I don't wanna talk about what I'm thinking about.

That even here, I'd feel uncomfortable talking about my thoughts. What I need is someone to talk to, unfortunately that is a job no one wants anymore. And I have a feeling, that there are only two people to whom I could really talk to and the problem is neither has the time to talk to me anymore.

Love from,
Amby

Darkness

First things first, this post could be considered a little dark. But it is what it is, and that's that. So if you don't wanna finish after you start I completely understand.

So, I've known I was gonna write this since this morning at the bus stop. Which is obviously... dark. Now, I'm gonna tell you something that confuses a lot of people, I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm scared of the absence of light. Now when I'm outside things are a bit different, I'm more scared of the darkness, but it's not because I'm afraid anything is going to happen to me... okay maybe a little but I was raised on Unsolved Murder Mysteries and America's Most Wanted so you can't blame me. But being scared of the absence of light, all has to do with the past. Of the first ten years of my life, now nothing bad happened to me... in a sense I suppose for the few people I have told seem to think that how I grew up, what I grew up with, was a bad thing to happen to me.

I don't really like to talk about the first ten years of my life, not really. I'll talk about school and some funny things that have happened to me, but I usually don't talk about life. How it was. See I mentioned before that I grew up in a trailer park, but I guess that most of you would imagine that as how most people think of trailer parks. However, it wasn't like that. My family hasn't ever had much money and that's why we lived there. Though the place we lived wasn't the best place, it was in a 'ghetto' neighborhood.

You know, the types of places where drug dealers live on every block, at least one, commonly two, sometimes more. The type of places where teenagers of thirteen, and sometimes younger are having sex openly. The type of place where hearing a gunshot is only startling if it's quiet. You never really trust anyone, except for your friends. And trick-or-treating, forget going there. It wasn't uncommon to find that the candy had been tampered with, that the caramel apples were rotting from the inside out...

Moving on, I always hung out with the holder kids. I wanted to be cool, you know? And hanging out with kids four, five, six years older could sure do the trick. There were some of my friends, whom were the ones that weren't around all that often, like Felicia and Christina who would try to protect me from everything that went on. Tried to not make me see it, keep me a kid. Though as I said mostly, they weren't around much. Then there were people like Mandy. Mandy was practically my idol. I loved hanging around her, she was the best thing ever, she was so pretty and popular. I loved it when she used to dress me up and do my make-up, but she was the type of person that was only thirteen and having sex, with eighteen year olds.

And well Felicia was her best friend, one of the only people she talked to. However Felicia was only there every other weekend. So who better to turn to to talk to, then the girl who practically worshiped the ground she walked on? I learned a lot of things I probably shouldn't have from Mandy, and not just about sex.

Though nothing bad every really happened to me, because I had Mandy there to protect me, or someone. There was always someone there to protect me from the darkness, and yet I was never scared of it. Never, not until I left and there wasn't anyone to protect me from the harshness of what happened. Before, I had someone to shield me, to keep me from seeing what was really going on. To keep it like it was nothing. And yet now... it scares me more then anything. If I had to go back... I'm not sure I could.

That's what darkness represents to me. All the things that scare me most, and the worst part about it, is I can't run from it. Because just as darkness is inevitable, so is your past catching up with you.

Love from,
Amby

Cleaning

Okay so this morning I get up and I'm yelled at for the mess that once again I didn't create. My brother and sister once more, are able to get out of cleaning up their own messes because they leave it sit for so long. Honestly, I swear the both of them need to grow up. My sister was looking in the ToysRUs ad for things she wants for Christmas, she marked some dolls and other things like doll strollers. Now this would be cute, if she were eight. Instead, she's thirteen. Not cute, at all. My brother acts like he's five, actually that might be giving him too much credit. They are just horribly immature and people often wonder how I can be related to the two of them.

The thing is at my house, I am always doing everything for everyone else. Without even being asked, it's expected of me. That is the one thing that drives me insane. How dare they assume that it's my job to do everyone's dishes, pick up their messes, help them with their homework (their version of help, getting the answers), and be the scapegoat. Since when was that written into my job description?

It just pisses me off so much, especially my grandma. Who blames me for everything that goes wrong, she knocks over my glass of Chrystal Light, sitting way far back so it wouldn't get spilled, on the counter and it's my fault. She stubs her toe on my mother's pair of shoes and it's my fault. Jasmine almost failing 7th grade is my fault for not helping her more, Kameron's F in math, my fault. It's ridiculous all the stuff they pass off on me. Well someday I won't be around to blame, I wait to see how they fair then.

Love from,
Amby