Poem

Today has been one of those days... and I can't even put into words how much today has hurt me in so many different ways. So I won't even try. Instead I'll simply post a poem here, one that I wrote today.

Yell, scream, shout, let it all out
Stop trying to be something you aren't
Stop imagining that your pain
Isn't the reality.

Let it all go,
For once think of yourself
Stop trying to be strong
Let the tears fall.

Let your disappointment show
Stop lying to them, to you
Don't pretend it didn't hurt
That you counted on them.

A tear for each that wasn't shed
A scream for each that wasn't heard
A yell for each not spoken
A swear for each person.

Simply let it all go now
For tomorrow will come
And tomorrow things change
You will too.

For every tear shed
For ever scream screamed
For every yell spoken
For every curse muttered

Will be wiped away
Forgotten as you feel
And it will pass in time
As it will return.

The only thing you can do
Is let it all go now
Because if you don't
You won't get the chance.

Wow that's a bit depressing... oh well.

Love from,
Amby

Clean slate

Sometimes you simply need a clean slate. A place to start new, with new people. If there is anything that moving has taught me is that it often comes at a time you least expect it to, but at a time that you need it the most. You don't always realize that you need it, sometimes you have to leave and discover new things to realize that it was exactly what you needed. Really it's just one of those things. I don't really know what caused me to write this paragraph, but it just happened. I just wrote a title and this is the product of it XD. Talking about moving, no I'm not moving, it just happened to be a random thought that passed by.

Anyway lets move unto something more important like the subject that I posted a bulletin on myspace about that read:

First of all I'd like to say that it's not really a secret. Traci knows, I know, Ashley knows, hell half the school knows that Kenny has TWO girlfriends. Traci doesn't really care. (*cough*becauseshesaloser*cough*)

"Would you care?" - Traci
"Yes." - Me
"If it were him?" - Traci
"I would have never gone out with him." - Me (XD)

Actual piece of convo we are having now XD. Anyway, I have been telling her to dump him for almost a year coming up. Really now, how can you think that my advice to her would be anything different? I mean sure now I add the and kick his arse part... but still XD

So that is my advice, dump him and find someone more worthy that isn't a player XD Maybe even take Jackie's advice :D

See she doesn't see what the big deal is, and why I can't let it go. And maybe if I actually type it out, in words, instead of saying it, she'll get it.... maybe, and she'd better because she's sitting here reading this as I type it XD. Anyway, I care so much because I know that she really cares about it but is to concerned about doing the nice thing to do what she should do. Plus, there is the fact that if she doesn't start learning to care and speak up, she may never :(. And as her best friend I feel obligated to try and protect her from things like that happening, after all I wouldn't want her to be sad, and live in denial :((.

Love from,
Amby

Acceptance

Today has just been one of those days, those days where you just sort of accept everything. Not really with this big life changing moment... but simply realizing that the world is the way that it is. That people are the way they are. It's just something that everyone accepts in their own time. That things are the way they are, and no matter how hard you try things will stay the way they are until other people decide to change them, and that is simply life.

We are all simply people. People who have a choice of what they want in life, but in reality the only thing you can choose in your life is how you live it. Because everything else is determined by other people, and you just have to let the cards fall where they will. Fighting against what will happen is a very stupid move, and it's a move that I've made plenty of times and yet now is the time that I finally accept it.

You can't control people, or their actions. You can't control the world, or it's actions. You cannot control nature, or God. All you really have to control in life is yourself and the choices you make.

I've also accepted that people will surprise you, both in positive and negative ways. Take for instance Derek, coming right up to our table and sitting down next to me at lunch. Then asking our table about our social lives and how we were. Now, as you don't know Derek it's not something that'd surprise you. However Derek made my life Hell for a year, and he's one of the most popular freshmen their are, and he came up and sat next to me...

It's one of those things about people surprising you. I was surprised by a few other people too, including my teachers. Who can be amazingly harsh at times toward their students. And my friends, who can be painfully obvious and embarrassing.

Yes I'll admit it, there are times when I wish I could disown my friends, because that is simply how it is. Mostly it's Traci and Meghan who I wish I could disown, because they always feel the need to shout and yell and overreact, loudly, to everything. It does embarrass me, also there are times when I wish I could disown Jess XD. I love Jess dearly, but sometimes she is a bit too over the top for me, or she has too many people mad at her. See Traci, Meghan and Jess all rock... but there are times... anyway I have learned to accept that's who they are and I still love them anyway XD.

Anyway I think I should be getting off upstairs, it's almost 9 and I still have some homework to do... and I think I forgot my Geometry... and my Into to Chem... well that sucks... Maybe I can do them at lunch XD.

Love from,
Amby

Don't blink

Once again today I heard this song. It's an amazing song, and it hit me today more so then it normally does. If you've never heard it it is entitled Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney. The song is so amazing, it has such truth in it and today as I listened I realized that my life is passing me by at such a quick rate. Random flashes of memory just kinda came to me while listening, clear as day.

Abigail and I hiding under my sisters bed talking about that cute guy Anthony. My first day of kindergarten when I sat at the wrong table. Merranda and I feeling felt out because we were two of the smartest second graders and we didn't get tested for LYNX. Jodi and I sitting up at 3 A.M. at Brionna's birthday. Merranda, Taylor and I crying about me leaving Kelloggsville. Heather crying because I was leaving Northview. Larry being taken away in a police car. Moving up here. Meeting Traci. The library lock-in. My first day of high school...

It's kinda hard to believe that things move so quickly. That in one moment life can change, for better or for worse. I have a couple of people who are mad at me, both online and in real life. The more I think about the song, the more I feel like the longer the fights I having going with these people is the less time I'm going to have with them. Because really, in my life there are very few people that are actually still involved that were a couple of years ago. And someday, I doubt that barley any of the people in my life now will be in it in any aspect, but a memory.

So how come I'm wasting my time being mad at people? How come I'm just letting time slip away? I'm not really sure. But really the more I think about it... the less I want to. The more I wish that I could just fix things, with everyone... including my family... it hurts to know that some things just can't be fixed. That some things are supposed to be broken...

Love from,
Amby

Barbershop Harmony

So yesterday, that's where I was all day. For 12 hours, I was with 145 other girls. I was learning two songs, which I then had to preform. In front of an audience. It was amazing. I am so happy I did that, I met some awesome people and heard an amazing quartet. Over all the day was pretty amazing, and hilarious too. I have so much to say about it, and yet so little. I just can't talk about it now, because my mind is on other things.

Am I the only one that hates it when that happens? When you want to talk about something so badly, when it you've got so much to say, but so many other thoughts on your mind that you can't seem to focus on what you wanna say? Because I truly hate that, and I hate that I don't wanna talk about what I'm thinking about.

That even here, I'd feel uncomfortable talking about my thoughts. What I need is someone to talk to, unfortunately that is a job no one wants anymore. And I have a feeling, that there are only two people to whom I could really talk to and the problem is neither has the time to talk to me anymore.

Love from,
Amby

Darkness

First things first, this post could be considered a little dark. But it is what it is, and that's that. So if you don't wanna finish after you start I completely understand.

So, I've known I was gonna write this since this morning at the bus stop. Which is obviously... dark. Now, I'm gonna tell you something that confuses a lot of people, I'm not afraid of the dark, I'm scared of the absence of light. Now when I'm outside things are a bit different, I'm more scared of the darkness, but it's not because I'm afraid anything is going to happen to me... okay maybe a little but I was raised on Unsolved Murder Mysteries and America's Most Wanted so you can't blame me. But being scared of the absence of light, all has to do with the past. Of the first ten years of my life, now nothing bad happened to me... in a sense I suppose for the few people I have told seem to think that how I grew up, what I grew up with, was a bad thing to happen to me.

I don't really like to talk about the first ten years of my life, not really. I'll talk about school and some funny things that have happened to me, but I usually don't talk about life. How it was. See I mentioned before that I grew up in a trailer park, but I guess that most of you would imagine that as how most people think of trailer parks. However, it wasn't like that. My family hasn't ever had much money and that's why we lived there. Though the place we lived wasn't the best place, it was in a 'ghetto' neighborhood.

You know, the types of places where drug dealers live on every block, at least one, commonly two, sometimes more. The type of places where teenagers of thirteen, and sometimes younger are having sex openly. The type of place where hearing a gunshot is only startling if it's quiet. You never really trust anyone, except for your friends. And trick-or-treating, forget going there. It wasn't uncommon to find that the candy had been tampered with, that the caramel apples were rotting from the inside out...

Moving on, I always hung out with the holder kids. I wanted to be cool, you know? And hanging out with kids four, five, six years older could sure do the trick. There were some of my friends, whom were the ones that weren't around all that often, like Felicia and Christina who would try to protect me from everything that went on. Tried to not make me see it, keep me a kid. Though as I said mostly, they weren't around much. Then there were people like Mandy. Mandy was practically my idol. I loved hanging around her, she was the best thing ever, she was so pretty and popular. I loved it when she used to dress me up and do my make-up, but she was the type of person that was only thirteen and having sex, with eighteen year olds.

And well Felicia was her best friend, one of the only people she talked to. However Felicia was only there every other weekend. So who better to turn to to talk to, then the girl who practically worshiped the ground she walked on? I learned a lot of things I probably shouldn't have from Mandy, and not just about sex.

Though nothing bad every really happened to me, because I had Mandy there to protect me, or someone. There was always someone there to protect me from the darkness, and yet I was never scared of it. Never, not until I left and there wasn't anyone to protect me from the harshness of what happened. Before, I had someone to shield me, to keep me from seeing what was really going on. To keep it like it was nothing. And yet now... it scares me more then anything. If I had to go back... I'm not sure I could.

That's what darkness represents to me. All the things that scare me most, and the worst part about it, is I can't run from it. Because just as darkness is inevitable, so is your past catching up with you.

Love from,
Amby

Cleaning

Okay so this morning I get up and I'm yelled at for the mess that once again I didn't create. My brother and sister once more, are able to get out of cleaning up their own messes because they leave it sit for so long. Honestly, I swear the both of them need to grow up. My sister was looking in the ToysRUs ad for things she wants for Christmas, she marked some dolls and other things like doll strollers. Now this would be cute, if she were eight. Instead, she's thirteen. Not cute, at all. My brother acts like he's five, actually that might be giving him too much credit. They are just horribly immature and people often wonder how I can be related to the two of them.

The thing is at my house, I am always doing everything for everyone else. Without even being asked, it's expected of me. That is the one thing that drives me insane. How dare they assume that it's my job to do everyone's dishes, pick up their messes, help them with their homework (their version of help, getting the answers), and be the scapegoat. Since when was that written into my job description?

It just pisses me off so much, especially my grandma. Who blames me for everything that goes wrong, she knocks over my glass of Chrystal Light, sitting way far back so it wouldn't get spilled, on the counter and it's my fault. She stubs her toe on my mother's pair of shoes and it's my fault. Jasmine almost failing 7th grade is my fault for not helping her more, Kameron's F in math, my fault. It's ridiculous all the stuff they pass off on me. Well someday I won't be around to blame, I wait to see how they fair then.

Love from,
Amby

Family and confusion

Many a times a day I wish I could forget the thing that is my family, the people I come from, who I am always going to be grouped with. It's not something that you are able to choose, it's not something that you are able to control. For if it was then I think that I probably would have a better one, family I mean. One that everyone wants, the type of family that people dream of having someday... that's what I'd want. For my family is not something I am proud of, not because they are bad in the traditional way, but because they, we, are a bad family. One that no one would envy, let alone want to be part of. Someday this will be a bigger problem for me, it will be one of those things which I wish I could change. For like I said who would want to be a part of my family? Not everyone knows about my family, so I shall sum up my family for you.

Grandma: Probably one of the most evil old ladies there is, actually I take that back, that's an insult to those evil old ladies. Evil old person in general, she always has something to put me down with, always has to yell at me, and has told me more then once to leave, that she didn't want me here, or part of this family. She makes me feel like nothing a lot of the time, and it's beginning to rub off on me.

Mom: Probably one of the coolest mom's ever. I have it pretty lucky with her, everyone is always telling me how much they love her, and I love her, too. I'd love her more if she were more of a mom though, if she were around and if she could take things seriously when they need to be. If she could let me go, realize that I am growing up, and stop trying to keep things as they are, for they are getting worse as time goes by, though I don't think she realizes.

Dad: Has done some things he isn't so proud of. I talk to him every once in a while, if I can find a way to. Though periods of that of a couple of years can go by without a word, or a visit and it isn't dubbed unnatural. He is trying to make it up, trying to be there but my grandma and mom don't want him to be, so that complicates things a little.

Jasmine and Kameron: Both of them have their moments of being good, but mostly they team up against me. Physically and mentally to hurt me. They bicker a lot, a lot more then any two people I've ever heard. They basically hate me and I'm not that keen on the two of them either.

That is my family, that is what I come from. Am I like that? Do I fit those descriptions? Is that who I am too? Am I simply to blind to notice it? It hurts a little to think that maybe I might be exactly what I criticize. To be the things that cause me the most pain. Is that possible? It may be, maybe I am what I fear the most.

I know who I am, most of the time anyway. I know that I censor what I say a lot, to please others, that I like to make other people happy even if it means my own unhappiness. I know that I put up with a lot of stuff that other people wouldn't and don't understand how I can, I know that I like to give the benefit of the doubt to people. That I'm stubborn when I want to be, and that I care a lot what others think about me. That this is the only place that I will actually say exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and put it into a raw context, without worrying about how it will effect people... that for once I get to be selfish.

And yet, it hurts slightly. To think that I may make people feel bad because of what I say, I made a friend cry the other day with my comments about my life, with much more detail then I have here... how could I do such a thing? Since when have my feelings become more important then anyone else's? Since when do I do that kind of stuff? Does this make me a bad person? Or a person that some may consider wise?

Love from,
Amby

Heres to hoping Elle fries Caitlin and West jumps off the Hollywood sign

Oh yes that is a Heroes thing for those of you who are wondering. And I truly do hope that Elle just zaps Caitlin, either that or she falls off a bridge or something. I shouldn't worry about it though, for as we all well know a Hero's love interest doesn't stick around for long. Do you wish to argue with me? Well lets take a look shall we?

Hiro's love interests - Charlie (dead), the swordsmith's daughter (destined to fall in love with someone else)
Claire's love interests - Brody (somewhere in a wheelchair, without a memory), West [here's hoping he dies too].
Niki's love interest - D.L. {yeah yeah they were married but still}(dead)
Peter's love interests - Simone (dead), Caitlin [hopefully dead soon]
Issac's love interest - also Simone (dead, just like him :()
Matt's love interest - Janice (divorced)
Nathan's love interest - Heidi (divorced)
Mohinder's {sort of} love interest - Eden (dead)

Look at that list, like I said the chances of Caitlin, or West being around long aren't very good. Which means that we won't have to put up with those two for much longer :) That's just the great news I have XD. And that's it really XD.

Love from,
Amby

P.S. I do indeed realize this whole short blog was about Heroes, sue me XD

Pickle juice and Sweettarts

Last night was kinda odd to tell you the truth. I mean it was a night of surprises, for me at least. First, the choir concert I didn't want to go to, I didn't have to go to, even though my mom already said that I was going to have to go and that was the end of it, I actually didn't have to go. Shocking for me, as once my mom says something there is usually no changing her mind. Then, after I ditched Cris and Rai (I still love you guys XD) to call Merranda I found out a couple of surprising things in her life, which are her own personal business so they shall be left out of here, and as I was finding out surprising things in her life, a friend from my old school called in on the other line. I went to that school for one year, and that was three years ago now, or coming up on three years rather, but I haven't talked to her since then. So I had to call her back later, after I was done talking to Merranda.

In between calling her back, and hanging up with Merranda, I realized something. Something that was a bit of a surprise to me, that people like me. That there are actually some people out there who actually like me as a person and not for what I can do, or who I am friends with. They just actually like me and like talking to me. I always assume that people don't like me, for reasons unknown to even me. I also assume that people only like talking to me because they have nothing better to do, it is a pleasant surprise to be proved wrong every once in a while. This time I am glad to be proved wrong.

Anyway, after I called back Diane I continued to be surprised. For starters how'd she even get my number? Well my friend Heather gave it to her, from memory. Now that's also a very surprising fact considering I don't talk to Heather that much, not enough for her to memorize my number unless she did it on her own time. They I found out that Diane had moved to Mexico at the end of my sixth grade year, the same time I moved up here, and moved back half way through seventh grade. I didn't think she would, so that was surprising. Also, I found out she lived in the same trailer park I used to (yeah yeah I lived in a trailer park for the first like twelve years of my life, but if I hear even as much as one utter of the words trailer trash then I swear I am gonna kick someones ass). Which continued to be surprising, even more surprising she wanted me to come down for the weekend. We ended up talking till about 9:30 then she had to go and get ready for bed.

The surprises continued when I walked downstairs and decided to try something my uncle always does, drink pickle juice. So I tried it, and I actually like it, it's a nice different thing and plus I love pickles anyway. After I drank the pickle juice I grabbed a pack of Sweettarts and had them, they were a bit bittersweet after the pickle juice but not too bad.

So anyway I'm off to eat breakfast now, then go to school and take that make up Geometry test (I have a B, can you believe it!?).

Love from,
Amby

Submitting to that of peer pressure

Even by posting this blog I am doing that. For really I don't have much to talk about, my life isn't that interesting nor that important that I should blog everyday. Though by doing this alone I am indeed submitting to peer pressure, because a certain friend of mine who shall remain nameless *cough*Jess*cough* told me to write in my blog. And to comment hers, and another friend of mine who shall also remain nameless *cough*Rai*cough* has also directed me to the way of his blog.

Today in school we did another one of the S.A.D.D. things (Students Against Destructive Decisions). There was a banner that everyone was all you have to sign and then go get this drug free ribbon, and so, because this is what always happens to me, I did just that. Really if someone pressures me to do something then I will do it, as long as it isn't against my morals, ... okay as long as it isn't against any of my major morals.

Take for instance when Jackie (Traci's sister) offered me drugs (which by the way, she took one of the drug free ribbons even though she totally isn't) I turned her down, and when one of the kids in my class wanted me to cheat on a test. I wouldn't do that... though when someone wanted to copy my homework I let them. So maybe I'm not that good of a person, oh well. I mean when it comes to the important things I know where I stand and that's all that matters.

Love from,
Amby

Break Up

So tonight I broke up with my boyfriend Adrian. Actually, I wasn't the one to break up with him. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I cared about him so much as a friend that I didn't want to lose that friendship. So because I'm a coward, I told Jess to do it. And she did it. I guess I should explain why I wanted to break up in the first place.

You see, he was just too much of a friend to be anything else to me. I mean I liked him, but only as a friend. He felt strongly for me though, talking to other people about me, saying I love you, he was already trying to figure out a Christmas gift for me... I couldn't handle that. He scared me by moving too fast, and there just wasn't anything there for me. I wanted to keep his friendship though, which is why I prolonged the break up for as long as possible, but some of my good friends told me I had to do it. They told me to just do it, stop being selfish, and do what's right for me (all three of those advices came from different people xD).

But when I got him on the phone... I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want him to get mad at me... so I had Jess do it. Shortly after that, I received a PM on HE from him and this is how it read:

now the thing is i wouldent be mad at you if you had the nerve to tell me to my face the fact you coudlent evan tell me over the phone is an insult so the truth is i want you out of my life you not who i thought you where i thought you where diffrent but your just the same as evryone else please dont talk to me

So I tried to explain it in this pm:

what the hell? I couldn't bring myself to do it, okay. I don't like making other people unhappy and I couldn't bring myself to do that to you. Yeah I'm a coward, but you wanna know what. Don't you dare accuse me of being the bad guy. I still wanna be your friend and I couldn't even bare to do that to someone I care about. I can't believe you, for you to tell me that, proves that maybe I shouldn't even want to be friends with you.


and this was his reply:

idc what you do just leave me alone please

So, in trying not to loose him as I friend I ended up doing just that. But I don't feel that bad about it, because if he can't accept the reasons why I did what I did then I don't need to waste my time with a person like that even as a friend. I did what I had to, because I couldn't let it go on, it would have been much worse. A friend of mine he was confiding in, says that she told him that he needed to back off a little bit or he'd scare me. That's just what he did, and I wonder why he couldn't just listen to the advice that he was given.


Love from,
Amby

Just a little teaser

My life is extremely boring, but at times it can be one of the most dramatic things you swore you'd ever heard. Why? Well because I tend to be a bit of a drama queen at times. No my life isn't horrible, compared to some I know, but it's not great either. My blog is the place where I write out all my feelings. Every single one of them, uncensored and without thinking about it. I simply write what I feel. No matter how happy, sad, dark or depressing it may be.

It's the place where all of my feelings are put down, for whoever wishes to read them. A lot of the times, it'll be about my family. We don't have the best relationship, though there are times when it'll be something to do because I'm bored. And times when I will write about the stupid fights I get into with my friends. So honestly, unless you really care about how I feel and my complaints then you'd be better off not reading this XD.

Now, I think I'm gonna head off. I still have to do some health homework, bleh. Really it can go jump off a bridge or something. Talk to you all later.

Love from,
Amby